Miss you Papa


Just heard the news about the death of Steve Jobs, Apple’s co-founder. Death is an inevitable part of life and unfortunately we will all be touched by the finger of death at some point in our lives.What prompted me to write this was the similarity between my father’s death in April 2011 & Steve job’s death. They both died battling with Pancreatic Cancer. Steve got seven years & my father got only three weeks when he was first diagnosed with cancer.

It was an unusually disturbing Friday. It was already 25th March & we were going on a vacation on 30th March. So, I should have been busy packing & running errands & just be happy about the planned vacation. But I was sad for no reason…my heart beat was not regular & I kept telling my husband that something terribly wrong is happening somewhere. He suggested that I might be tired & I should take some rest. My uneasiness continued till late evening. In the silence of midnight, suddenly the phone rang. I knew there were some bad news. I was informed that my father has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer & he has few more weeks left & also that I should fly to India at the earliest.

My senses were flooded with denial, anger, sadness, and frustration. I knew he was having fever for quite some time but I could not relate it to something as horrifying as cancer. During my flight to India, I kept thinking that it was a bad dream. There must be some error. I couldn’t convince myself to believe it. I kept saying in my mind, “There’s no way that could’ve happened to him.” But by the time I had reached home on April 1st, I was brought back to reality: a reality where death was the only future.

Each passing day he was growing weak & a few days later he was shifted to I.C.U.  We were all still hoping ( against hopes) for some miracle which would save him from what was obvious to everyone around us.

Exactly two weeks later on April 14th, he died. Helpless as we all were, we watched him taking his last breaths…his face glowing like never before…his eyes closing slowly.His face, which turned pale earlier, was glowing & looked so calm as if he was just focusing on his last few breaths. I can never forget last fifteen minutes of his life. Even today when I close my eyes I clearly remember what happened during that time. He died peacefully. His death marked an end to all the possibilities, both for ourselves and for my father,that might have been realized by a longer life.  

After his funeral, all I could think about was how awful it was for someone to leave this world before they were ready. Life is not fair sometimes, I thought.

The following weeks what moved through us was a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch. We could  not understand why he left this earth so soon, or why he left before we were ready to say good-bye. Little by little, we also  began to remember not just that he died, but that  he lived too. And that his  life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

This experience has changed me forever.I was very close to my father.I remember all the good times I shared with him and all the love he gave me throughout the years.He is not gone.He will live in my heart & in my mind forever.

But still, it seems that he has left us too soon.

There are days when I don’t want to talk to anyone, in person or on phone.I just face each day & try to conquer it without feeling depressed. Death is really a difficult situation to handle. Yes, it is !!!  

 Sometimes I gaze at the sky & wonder if it’s true that you become a star after your death. If yes then which star is him ?I wonder what heaven is like, but I don’t wonder if my dad is there. I know he is.

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be.
So He put His arms around you and whispered “come to me.”
With tearful eyes we watched you, and saw you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating, hardworking hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.

We all miss you Papa.

3 Comments

  1. I've known my father in law (Mr Narender Singhi) for eigtheen years of my life, and I am very lucky to have had the privilege of calling him my father in law. During those years I got to know a very complex and wonderful person who enjoyed life the way he wanted it. He was a caring and devoted husband and father who always made sure that his family came first.He loved his both daughters very

  2. very nicely written !!!!!

  3. Like you said, he only takes the best..Time can not make you miss a person less, only adapt you better to missing that person, always.

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